K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
