This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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