There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
