remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
