If i come over, it means nothing
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
