i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
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