...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
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