U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
