Did you just see the Batmobile???
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
