At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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