Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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