please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
