god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Randomize
