She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
