ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
