I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
