ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Randomize
