I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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