So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Randomize