I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
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