to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
