i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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