U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
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