Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
