so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
It's never too late to be topless.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
