if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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