When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Still dying that you shit outside
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
