Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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