i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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