I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
