I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
so let's talk penis.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
This toilet bowl is my home.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
