Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
