You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
