theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize