I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize