I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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