the condom got lost in my hair
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Randomize
