How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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