Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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