i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
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