Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
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