its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
