How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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