woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
