I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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