hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Randomize
