I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
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