1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
