why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
