I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
