How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
