I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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