i wish starbucks made bloody marys
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
