Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
i dont even know how to be here
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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