1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
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