I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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