I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
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