I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Randomize
