Old men and throwing up are my life now.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
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