Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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