Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
