He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
We're hate flirting, damnit.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
Randomize
