I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
