Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
